PRANA

well, less crying now. less overthinking but still... i am still sad. i don't now. All my life i have always been confident about  myself. i can make and deliver speeches impromptu, i can perform any time, i can present anytime, i can challenge myself but this time...this time is the lowest of low that no matter how much i study and how much score i will have in pre test or in pre board, i will not have the same confidence in myself. i do not know when i lost it. probably the time when my "school" forgot about me. because no matter how much i try my efforts will never be mentioned for the ends will never justify the means. i know, being humble means not worrying about mentioning your achievements but it satisfying sometimes to know that people appreciate you. never knew that that simple award could be one of the reasons of my depression. people do not know my story. people will never know this part of my story because somehow, i refuse to show them. i know people have ...

i am HUNGRY. i am SAD. i am a FAILURE.

I always (often) get disheartened. I am trying to do my best but it seems that the gods are not on my favor. I am trying to focus but i sleep. I am trying to have self-control but I snob the alarm. I am trying to study but it seems not effective. Everyday, I study. I doubt if its well. still trying. trying to find that exact orbital for me. Failed the third exam again and the worse part is, bottom ten again! I thought I did well in the exam...just like how i thought in the previous two. I do not know how to adjust no more. I am disappointed with myself. The past days I have already boosted my confidence but after seeing the results for exam 3, I question again. This is just so disheartening. Trying to make a back up plan to ditch reviewing for the exams and go find work. Well, because I want to work abroad. I have signed up for Canada but have't fully read everything. everything is so disheartening. I want to go home :(

I haven’t done much today aside from getting sad because there is no 0.50 pesos worth of photocopy around here. I did however returned to the Legion of Mary! It has been over a year, I think. I used to dislike talking about faith. When I was in grade school it was just something already there without me trying to question or even look deeper. All I knew was I was doing these things (going to mass every first Friday, going to Sunday Mass, read the gospel at home, pray the rosary, confess, read in the church…so many things) because I have to and it was required of me. I did however hated Sunday Masses. I often, around 80% slept during the homily no matter how long or short they were! That was until I was in fifth grade. I grew up from a very Catholic family thus enrolled in a Catholic school. I like my grade school! I like my school. Anyway, when we were young, my siblings and I together with my mom read the gospel every night then I started asking questions. I remember St. Therese as m...

I actually like what I am doing. I have always thought that life is about challenges. As an engineer, I like it. It challenged me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay so much to the point it bends and almost breaks me. Almost. As an engineer I would love to be in the field of research. I love innovation and pop culture. I could stay ‘til midnight (without realizing it) watching videos! It’s very challenging and I usually feel dumb but I should get used to it. I often downgrade myself, thinking that I can never do things that probably the timing is not right but I should always remember that 1. God gave me such situation because He knows I can 2. “There is never a wrong timing, only a wrong mindset.” quote by me. lol. This, I CAN  and this, I WILL. Whatever THIS may be.

Jasmine May G. De Leon July 26, 2016 Earlier at Coffe Bean I heard a group of people (three of them)  mentioning about polymers or at least that’s what I think.  Oh gosh my teeth now hurts from eating chocolates. Bear the pain, Jas!    It has been a while since I blogged. hay okay. so now what. nothing really aside from the fact that I consistently got half of the items correct in every exam, nothing really. I mean, I have never finished the exams! Yes, both of them. I only finish around 30-40% of them which I am sure and the rest were lucky guesses not because I do not know but because I lack time. I need to strategize! I am the type of person who likes to take time so that I can fully understand and learn but I guess it is time to strategize! Sigh. this is stressing me out. I figure if my study area is like the one I have at home where Stephy always accompany me, then probably I could have gotten a higher score. OH WELL again. I can do this. I have no...

College graduation will be far different from my highschool graduation! I still compare Ateneo from UP. When I was a college freshman, I preferred Ateneo but within my college years, I learned to love UP but now that things will about to end, I am moving towards my Jesuit roots. I am thankful for UP for ways it has honed me but I will never be grateful of how much it let me felt so taken for granted by people and by organizations. I am forever blessed and grateful for my ATENEO roots without it, I will not have the character and attitude to deal with the judgments of UP. Tomorrow is graduation and I CAN NOT WAIT TO END EVERYTHING and NOT SEE EVERYBODY! Let's get this done and over with it. Now, I just want to watch a movie, workout, somehow fix my things but I am not excited for graduation. I have no reason to be excited. I just pray to pass the Chemical Engineering Board Exam this November.

"When I was in college, SOTECH thought that I was not good enough to become a leader..." This line will be included in my speech in the years to come as I prove several people that they have MISJUDGED my accomplishments! Do not get me wrong! I do not want to compare and people have reasons for what they deserve but this time, I think it has gone far too long. I do not know where I lacked. I do not know why. I know it was just a bonus. I was not expecting something like that throughout my service years. I love to serve people and be a leader. I may just have EXPECTED so much to become a recipient but THIS IS QUITE UNREASONABLE for me. I am SAD. I am DISAPPOINTED. I am FRUSTRATED. I am ANGRY because the school I have always been grateful of IS NOT GRATEFUL OF WHAT I HAVE DONE! I JUST DO NOT KNOW! I know a true leader never minds the credit or award but this award is SO PRECIOUS FOR ME because of how much I loveD SOTECH and public service wherein just ONCE...JUST ONCE in m...

I have always love to serve people in ways I know I can and getting recognition is the least of my worries but this time, I think I deserve to be recognize because it's time I truly recognize myself as one. This is my submitted essay. WHY I DESERVE THE PIChE LEADERSHIP AWARD Shared mission. Shared vision. Shared values. Anyone can be a leader but true leadership is never about one person. It is about inspiring others in order to make a difference without asking for anything in return. This Philippine Institute of Chemical Engineers Leadership Award will be the cherry on top of my leadership PIE —Passion, Initiative, Effectivity. Passion. The passion to serve has always been imbibed in me and the mottos “Be the change you want to see in the world” by Gandhi and “MAGIS” which means “Do more” by the Jesuits have always been my guiding rules. Every term break and in times of calamity, I make it a point to volunteer and encourage people to do the same. A major event that de...

In this lifetime, I only have one selfish goal: TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS! When I say travel, I mean backpack! I must do that before I reach 40 but before that I have TO EXPLORE PHILIPPINES before I reach 30. That will be all.

Hello dear blog! When will I ever accept that not everybody can understand? When will I ever accept that I can not please everybody? I still have social issues. Anyway, I blame myself for being misunderstood. I don't blame people. It's my fault why I am an indecisive messed up bad person. It's okay. It will be okay. I am sorry blog for using you only when I am extremely depressed. Last night was the worst but glad I have Jearie and achi to tell the whole story and save my sanity. I am a bad person and will continue to be one. My self-esteem has gone below six feet. I should stop being an over thinker. I hope one day I get to find that cheery old me again. I hope but for now...... I am glad I am still alive.

i terribly want to cry right now. papa left now did mama. i try to be the most useful daughter but everything i do seems so wrong. i terribly want to cry because it has been months since I have been looking for someone to talk to. gad do i want to cry. thank you dear blog for being always there. i know i will die anytime soon and gad I wish it is later or tomorrow. Gad I want to die. if only suicide will not bring me to hell. Dear Lord, when will I ever be okay? i am so fucked up. I am a bad person. I do not deserve to live.

i hate it when my friends get hurt especially the close ones. i have issues gad i have anxiety. i am a mess but i will i everything to protect my friends i love them to death and seeing them hurt even just online makes me so cold. i have always believed that they are my angels. i do not like it when they cry. i remember hearing lara cry over the phone before and gad i was close to booking a flight. i remember nat being admitted in the hospital and gad i prayed he was fine. i do not exactly know how to comfort people but when it comes to my friends, you sure must be worth a slap. now, i pray for my friends. i may be dysfunctional right now but i pray they won't be like me.

I told myself that I am done but keep on doing things. Gad, I still have one letter and attendance sheets for student council. Gad, I still have plant design material balance Gad, I still have exams and homeworks Gad. Gad. Gad. I am beyond sad. Do you know the feeling everyday you wake up just waiting for the day to end?! Motivation is no where and sel-esteem has completely evaporated. If you ask me, if ever things will some how be better, I will no longer review in CEBU. It is straight to MANILA now and guess what, I got another job offer...in SALES...more likely a youth sales job offer but Gad, I do not like sales honestly. I like talking to people but I also have find sales people annoying. I do not know what it is in me that keeps attracting sales. I just do not want to. I have reasons why I chose MANILA most of which, makes me feel so stupid. Anxiety disorder is in our family. A family of overthinkers but I have always believed that I am the outlier. They have succeeded...

I do no get it. I will never get it. Failed to be on hiatus. Failed to be the non-millenial me. Failed myself. I am tired. I want to be done. I will never be worth it. I will never be deserving.

WOW. Seems like I've been doing a lot lately...daming time. Honestly, this post is should be about me saying goodbye to the millenial me, but we'll see. Dear blog, Me asking permission to you to have a temporarily farewell seems to be a stupid idea. We are never clingy in the first place. We can go on ignoring each other for months and even a year (one time) and still be the best of best listeners. Funny how I regard you as a person. Anyhow, you've been a great comrade! You have done so many good things to me I never expected than people whom I have met along the way. I am still a mess blog but I am working on. I will keep working on it. It took me months, year probably to get a hold of myself. I am still in the process of understanding myself and I know this process is fackin eternity. SUPERSTAR Anyway, I am so much blessed to have very supportive family members and friends. I am so much blessed to be given so many time to enter people's lives and theirs to mi...

I should be writing a post with sense right now but no, I am grossed out with the idea of love and all those cheesy moves. I am so grossed out of how people can be so fackin corny and most of all generic.  See, I slept late night/early morning yesternight watching youtube videos. I fackin hate those I crave for you I will do everything for you scenes plus I am sorry scenes. I hate those but I still watch those. hmm, anyway, followed GR again today. Maybe I was just to assuming about him changing profile picture but he changed again hahaha. wala lng I should be reading stuff about plastics now. kbye

Erma and I had a little talk after the SOTECH night, after she has delivered the batch prophecy. Kudos to her for doing it overnight! Then we came upon some random ideas which inspired us/me to continue with the prophecy. February 19, 2016 at 12:10 midnight, I am finally done! AFTER THE PROPHECY SOTECH NIGHT 2016 ACQUAINTANCE PARTY 2011 and 2012 This is a story of a girl… After the grand reunion in Brisco’s café, a consensus was made. The greatest unkabogable life-changing award-winning engineering firm will be made! This firm gives you more than just any other engineering service! With their all-around engineers, you have a lot of choices, you can never go wrong. There are different departments. Very random departments. Coming in, you would see that appointment should be made for every engineer knowing their very hectic schedule…. After being recognized by Guiness on her Hello Kitty collection, Lara Andarza was funded to travel the world. She is no...

You do not need more vogue issues. You are more than this. I have not uploaded by Davao adventure pictures yet. I was supposed to but it’s still in my phone. Anyway 00:28. There is something dramatic about posting time. I do not know why probably because it says I am still alive and minutes after that. Maybe a great clue if I die any minute now. Spotify for random music because I am trying to feel like one of those in the movies. Kahit sa blog man lng hahaha jk. Moving on (it’s February 17 minutes ago pala. Wala lang. Could have been but oh well). Moving on na talaga, I am hit by depression again. Yes, the problem is I know myself way too much. Way too much I do not know which parts I can or cannot control. I am trying to do good things to as many people as I can. The thought of death has been pouring on me lately. Two year…two years since I have a feeling that I will die anytime soon. See, kahit anong tama ang gusto kong gawin and sa tingin ko ginagawa ko, I still feel like...

you just don't know it. do you? ugh. when feelings collide, you are not sure of what to label it. I am talking about crushes, infatuations and more dangerously, love. I mean, I do not necessarily give a fuck about love in reality. All hugots I have came from the movies and how far fetch it is from reality thus everything that seems ideal is only ideal because it is in the movies. nothing more, nothing less. But fuck this dude. I don't get it and I don't get myself. Here I am again with these long term stupid aspirations. fuck fuck fuck. so i decided to unfollow. It has been two years since I decided to fix myself but fixing oneself is never fun, thought some parts are. I mean, in the process , you ask yourself why you want to fix yourself then it traces back to he main reason then reminds you why you initially sucked. When you finally think you are a better person, you remember again and try to make a comparison. Thus going back to the fool who just gave up on you e...

I often ask myself, do I need someone to talk to or do I just need to write or do I just need an adventure. See, answers (inspirations) come in different forms. Consider your country as an inspiration.  THIS COUTNRY IS BEYOND BLESSED! Things this country can offer (somehow, a checklist for me and I will try to use this lifetime though I doubt so): 1.        Pagsanjan Water falls and its water rapids! URGH! BEYOND BEAUTIFUL 2.        CDO white water rafting 3.        Danao the Plunge 4.        Davao ultralight 5.        Surfing in Mati Davao, Siargao and La Union 6.        Zipline across the West Philippines Sea in Ilocos 7.        Canyonering in Cebu 8.        Sagada adventure 9.        Bata...

I always feel excited when I have something to write. #lilanxuan So I finally updated my other post regarding to my last escapade. I am still beyond blessed. I know I was quite selfish in NOT INVITING other for the escapade but I thought it was for the best. I don’t mean to hurt anybody’s feelings and if I did, I am sorry but other than that, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, because someday we’ll figure out why. Moving on, KASI DAPAT KO NA TALAGA MAG MOVE FROM MY HIGH SCHOOL ISSUES, I still have ISSUE. I AM FACKIN SAD. SORRY SELF! NO! MORE LIKE TROUBLED! See, I am hoping to GRADUATE ON TIME AS BS CHEMICAL ENGINEERING THIS SEMESTER FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES VISAYAS but I have to OVERLOAD for my failed strength of materials subject. I thought I will study for the break but a part of me says that “DUDE IT’S BREAK! It will be the last break before employment!” It’s not that I doubt myself if I can pass ES 13 but it’s am I really ready for the real word? I know I will never...

Expecting to meet the one can be a huge JOKE. A joke that can not be funny nor amusing. A joke that simply tells how a fool you can be. A joke wherein you are not even friends in real life. A joke where you only hang one to 10 or AT MOST 15 minutes of conversation. A joke that simply tells how messed up your reality is. The point is, I have been telling myself to be the INDEPENDENT WOMAN. Yes, I like chick flicks, hugots and all those cheesy products of media but I find it disgusting in reality. Most often, people think I am a hopeless romantic but the truth is, finding the one is the least to my priorities though there are times I think of the opportunity costs when one has the one. Oh well. I believe time will come and if not, I get the whole adventure going. See, most people think late twenties or early thirties is the marrying age. For me, absolutely not. It’s too young if you think of all the adventure our country can offer. I think late thirties. Haha. Oh gosh. I am so...