the TROUBLED ENGINEER

I haven’t done much today aside from getting sad because there is no 0.50 pesos worth of photocopy around here. I did however returned to the Legion of Mary! It has been over a year, I think. I used to dislike talking about faith. When I was in grade school it was just something already there without me trying to question or even look deeper. All I knew was I was doing these things (going to mass every first Friday, going to Sunday Mass, read the gospel at home, pray the rosary, confess, read in the church…so many things) because I have to and it was required of me. I did however hated Sunday Masses. I often, around 80% slept during the homily no matter how long or short they were! That was until I was in fifth grade. I grew up from a very Catholic family thus enrolled in a Catholic school. I like my grade school! I like my school. Anyway, when we were young, my siblings and I together with my mom read the gospel every night then I started asking questions. I remember St. Therese as my favorite saint because she was the only girl saint I knew. I memorized what was written on a bookmark with her face. Something that says she was sixteen. Then I read about Mother Teresa of Calcuta. Up to now, I am still so impressed with Mother Teresa’s bravery in being a true child of God!

Back to me asking questions to my mom after gospel readings. I forgot what reading it was matched with a show about black holes, I think but one day, Sister Connie, my Christian Living Education teacher taught something about the old testament and at the end of the lecture, I raised my hand and asked, without relating to the topic, “what happens after death? Will God still be with us?”

I remember her answer was God is the beginning and the end. It took me days to digest it. I mean, I was still a toddler. How could I understand such. I was looking for a definite answer like a scientific process. It was difficult for me to sleep those times because I was afraid of death. I exactly remember that I was afraid that we will all die and my parents will forget me and nothing follows to the souls. I still kept praying. Then eventually I told myself to accept the answer at least God’s there. He will never leave you.

Growing up, there were instances that I questioned that realization, especially when dada left or when I failed my ES 13 subject. I questioned God’s motive and existence. Where was He? Was he too busy answering others’ prayers and forgot me? But I try to pray no matter how much it hurt me. I still try to believe that things happen because God has a reason and my favorite of them all whenever challenges come is “God will never give you a challenge, He know you can not handle.”

Recently, I have been questioning myself. I have been questioning if this is the path I am meant for. The answer? Going to a yes. It takes time but I will get there. I may not be the brightest engineer nor the most hardworking but I have my strengths and God will not put me into five years of college with a lot of drama for no reason. My self-esteem is a lot better now compared to weeks ago and I believe it will continue to increase. I must not lose hope on myself and more importantly, I must not lose hope on my faith. Others (people back at home) haven’t given up on me. God has never and will never give up on me. I should not on myself as well!.

-SUPERSTAR