Hi :)

You do not need more vogue issues. You are more than this.

I have not uploaded by Davao adventure pictures yet. I was supposed to but it’s still in my phone. Anyway 00:28. There is something dramatic about posting time. I do not know why probably because it says I am still alive and minutes after that. Maybe a great clue if I die any minute now.

Spotify for random music because I am trying to feel like one of those in the movies. Kahit sa blog man lng hahaha jk.

Moving on (it’s February 17 minutes ago pala. Wala lang. Could have been but oh well). Moving on na talaga, I am hit by depression again. Yes, the problem is I know myself way too much. Way too much I do not know which parts I can or cannot control. I am trying to do good things to as many people as I can. The thought of death has been pouring on me lately. Two year…two years since I have a feeling that I will die anytime soon. See, kahit anong tama ang gusto kong gawin and sa tingin ko ginagawa ko, I still feel like the JAS-MEAN I was. I always wanted good intention but there is just so much hate in this world. I am trying to focus on the goodness of everything but sometimes being too strong is not the answer. Probably strong is no the answer. Being wise probably is. I do not know. See, even the Gino effect does not work anymore. Ever since the Davao escapade, I had the reason to keep on moving. Before, I struggle going through a day. I used to wake up every day waiting to go to sleep. I have always thought that life is a waiting game. We were born waiting for death thus we create this reality of education, sports, art what tos and what nots.

I have been planning about my death. Making hints here and there. I want to die. I do not know how. I do not (maybe) want to suicide. I have always wanted to be an angel. I make small things so big people hate me.

Oh dear life, I have so much to tell you, so much to share as to why I feel this way. But trust me life, I know like the first time I had depression, this too shall pass.

I have been eating a lot of junk lately. Searching for someone to talk to and indulging to sleep. I just feel sad when I am happy because I know it’s all temporary. This post is no longer organize. After several years into sports (which I think I was), I finally gave up on everything and embrace the nerd me. Probably I was never meant to be in sports that’s why lolo never supported my volleyball. I still love playing. This is one of those very fucking give ups. I just have a lot of reasons for giving up. After arriving from Davao I told myself, give it one more try Jas. Gino was into it, maybe you still are. I tried. The gods were not just in my favor. I can never tell the exact reason why I gave up on volleyball but trust me, it’s for all the better. Moving on, I tried to shift to football. Gad, I regretted never trying it before. I often..as in often watch football games though I do not exactly now the rules. More than a decade, I have never slept watching a football game and usually got VIP passes. I remember being in the same bus with the Younghusbands and being tricked by Greatwich and watching their game with their parents. I like football. I like that  your focus is on the ball but then again, I think I am never enough. Somehow, just somehow but not exactly likely, leaving football was the same with volleyball. So now, I am settled to nothing. The great thing about nothing is you have nothing to lose. For the first time in more than a decade, I became the introvert I disliked during sports fest. Drastic but true. People will never understand and people will always have something to say and I think I am too sensitive for those. I do not know exactly what I want. Gad, I used to have a plan but now, the only thing I surely want it to wake up tomorrow. Funny thing is I used to be so sure I will live for years but now, struggling for the next hour is facking difficult. That’s why I set goals like my adventures. Gad Davao adventure you were a great evidence. I do not facking care what happens between now and the next adventure, I just want to be done an over with. I hate my life. I hate myself. Gad, Love yourself and rain tandem right now. Youa re facking crazy life. And no, I do not want any of your pity. I am a strong independent woman because this is a facking cruel world. Hay. Sticking to cold water and no coffee today. I do not know if I should change. Another paradigm shift is so awful. Fack, superstar. Superstar fack. *deep breathing SUPERSTAR.