PRANA

Overthinking a lot lately. I left my job in URSUMCO as Area Supervisor. I left the people I love. I left the place I call home. Currently unemployed and have seven units of masterals in Chemical Engineering in UP Diliman. Masterals which I am unsure if I can finish kay shet so lisod. Now, I am anxious and tired. Being unemployed and holding on an unsure dream is tiring. I am just so unsure of everything and this will take me months to figure out. I can not do much as I keep on missing my life back home and all the what ifs. What if I never left? What if I I get to si Mark everyday? What if I stayed employed? What if I go back? but on the other hand, what if I can do this? what if I finish this and be with mark again? what if I get that scholarship and finish this faster? what if I eventually get a better job?

Isn't weird? I was never considering being a mother. I had never imagined my life to be with someone...that is until I met my Poloy, my Mark Mahinay. I want to be a mother someday. I want to have family with Poloy. I can imagine having kids of our own. Oh I love to see it one day! Having mini me of mini Poloy then them coming up to us an being carried. Oh I do love to see one day Poloy taking care of our babies and putting them to sleep. Oh Lord, that future excites me. I always want to be beside Poloy. I want to grow old with him. Take care of him and show how much I love him. Now we are far away (long-distance relationship). What comforts me is that 1. I know this is temporary 2. We are both reaching for our dreams 3. Mark is the most supportive partner ever! Dear Lord, I am always blessed because of him! Lord, funny how I remember I go to church and thank You for letting me meet him. I remember nag ask ko Nimo, if kung si Mark man gud para nako. Remember ko na nagsulti ko nimo...

URSUMCO has been my life. It has been my world for more than a year. It became the home I never expected. I knew no one. Knew slight bisaya. Knew none of the culture but I met all the best there. I met the best people, my real friends, best boss and sometimes challenging personnel but most of all I met my one true love, the love of my life, Mark Gil L. Mahinay! I can not be thankful enough of URSUMCO. It made me who I am. It made me strong. It made me realize my purpose but all these I could not believe, I let go because of a big very ambitious dream. It still make me cry and regret. I miss URSUMCO so much and this dream...this dream may seem difficult to get. I miss my second home. The moment I saw they're hiring for my previous position, that's when I realized WALA NA. FINISH NA. Still holding on that someday I will return to URSUMCO.  But I am in Manila now. Enrolled as a part-time masteral student. Lord, help me please. Everything still hurts but I do hope this p...

I honestly think that I need a life. I need to get back to my momentum wherein I get to be excited with things and they just land on their places but right now, everything is so messy. From my uncleaned clothes to my schedule to my to-do list. Everything is so wrong. April 5 and it’s papa’s birthday. Lol. 12:01 of April 6. It’s yerf’s birthday. Anyway, I miss papa and our jokes. I miss being his warrior princess. I miss being pampered. Slowly I get to adjust to my schedule. I have a plant nursery proposal to pass in hours and I am so not satisfied with it yet. Struggle. Struggle. Struggle. April 6 and how ironic it is. I should be used to being compared since I have a twin but decade have gone and every comparison feels like an arrow crushing my heart. I know I should be happy but sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to. That in every happiness there is an exchange sadness. I feel like I am not allowed to make mistakes that no matter what I do, I will neve...

I thought our story will be like those of Bart Kwan and his dog or Marley and Me or Hachiko or any dog stories…but ours was very different. Ever since I was in high school, I regarded stephy as a celebrity dog. I would brag a lot about Stephy as if she was a human being even after 12 years. Now that she finally chose to have her longest sleep and probably this is the last time that I can brag so much about her, let me share more of Stephy. 1.        She was a gift. Mama and papa never bought stephy after our first dog, a Japanese spitz went awol. Stephy is still the best gift up to date. We both have a dog and a human-size HUGGABLE teddy bear. 2.        She was very small. She died with 38 inches (not really updated) waistline but she used to be as small as a one liter coke. When she was a pup, we would look for her and she always stayed at the bottom of the fridge. 3.        She thinks ...

I DREADED FOR THIS DAY TO COME! FROM CHILDHOOD TO NOW, THIS IS THE DAY I WAS NEVER PREPARED OF….STEPHY LEAVING. (STEPHANIE “STEPHY” DE LEON; JUNE 05 2005- August 16, 2017) DEATH IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND. STEPHY WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN ANY HUMAN I HAVE MET. SHE WAS MY BESTEST OF THE BESTEST FRIEND, SHE WAS MY CONIFIDANT, SHE WAS MY SISTER. WHEN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD SEEMED TO TURNED ITS BACK FROM ME, STEPHY WAS THE ONLY WHO STAYED. LIFE GOT ME USED TO BE THE ONE LEAVING, I WAS NEVER PREPARED FOR HER DEPARTURE. SO MUCH MORE THAT I WAS NOT THERE. PROBABLY IT WAS EASIER THAT WAY. OLD AGE AND SHE WAS IN PAIN, IT WAS BETTER FOR HER TO LEAVE NOW THAN SEE ME CRYING AT HER DEATH BED. LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH DIFFERENT WITHOUT STEPHY. I KNEW SHE WAS OLD AND ANY TIME SHE HAD TO LEAVE BUT AT THAT MOMENT…THE MOMENT I HAD TO LEAVE I TOLD HER TO WAIT FOR ME. I WILL COME BACK FOR HER AND HUG HER ONE LAST TIME…BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT HER GOODBYE WILL BE ON THE...

So grateful of July 30, 2017! After being a loser at work, I got the chance to be reunited with my fellow ilonggos from ADI-SMCS! It was a fun reunion! It was headed by sir buen as we also celebrate the farewell of the old campus. We saw nong jb torres and zairre baccay first. The four of us with kuya geof went. Then we saw sir buen. Sir buen mentioned the Go’s were going. At first I was fine with it like the usual reaction. Then we saw them. Oh gosh my secret highschool crush returned! I kennot! All the conversations were quite awkward at first. Then there was a mass. At the end of the mass we saw nong Tyrone. My siblings and I were hesitant to join the bonding after mass because 1. We’re being thrifty 2. We thought it will be very awkward. Somehow things loosened up. Ng jill, kuya Geoff and bro did not go with us but it was fine because I sense a good communication between the one’s left. It ended to be a very fun conversation. We chat while waiting for sir buen. There were awkward ...