The Clean Slate

 2022 has been a year full of learnings.

Considering this is my blog, let me break it down for you:

2022 started as the year I will be choosing myself and slowly working on my dreams to come true.

I was employed and working my way around my thesis. I was in a relationship.

It was still semi-lockdown. First quarter of the year, I was still at the comforts of home then went to Negros for a relationship to work on while being in a WFH set-up. Work was stressful with a job I settled for which is way beyond my background. It was not the best job but it was a humbling experience. 

First quarter of the year made me realize what no longer works in my life. And as I moved back to Manila, I still tried to make things work both in my career and love life. I was stagnant throughout those months, all work--no thesis and no applications. I did not join so much workshops as work was very demanding and not rewarding.

Came the third quarter of the year, where crucial and life-changing decisions were made. From quitting my job to losing who could have been my forever. 

But the year did not disappoint as I learned in order to focus on one self, some strings needs to be cut. I then got to meet the best and passionate people in my life. From joining Learn2Lead, the Youth4JustTransiton, going back to ClimateScience community (now as volunteer only, no longer national coordinator), and then the National Resilience Council family! I also met Jonas, may kalandi-an in Bumble who turned out to be the instructor also for Learn2Lead. It was the same day I talked to him in Bumble when I received the Learn2Lead acceptance letter. I still do not know where this thing with Jonas is going. Ang gulo, I am confused, I am unsure but the end of the day I am grateful that such man exists! Ba't kasi looking for something casual lang siya pero says wants a family soon...hay nako mixed signals.

Anyway....

Dear Lord, 2022 was a roller coaster! I would be lying if I say I have truly moved on from those I had to give up in 2022, but I know it works for the best. 

Syempre there will be times na I miss Mark but question my decision but so far I have not thought of going back together. Sometimes, nasayang lng ko sa investments (time and money) and what could have been pero alam ko despite all the effort and the good stuff, at the end of the day religion and politics will be the biggest difference for us na non-negotiable. While having massage kanina, I miss how we used to have massage in Tanjay and Dumaguete then go home. I miss the smell, comfort, and the feeling of safety around him pero hindi pa din eh. I miss how he would do extra effort in fetching me or going home late and how he looked for a certain shell seafood sa last day ko in Bais. Effort wise, he did his part when it seemed convenient also for him. One of the biggest deal breaker was May 2022, aside from elections, it was my birthday. Lord, thinking about it makes me cry of hurt and a little angry. During his birthday, I went to Negros. He knows how much I celebrate my birthday especially since I had my highblood experience in 2019 pero generally I really celebrate my birthday. Even in 2018 he gave me a cake because wala ako cake that year. Pero that year, we fought because of politics and it was a week before my bday. Pero in 2021, we also fought during my birthday and I told him na sana bisan mag-away kmi on my bday, he would make an effort. Now back to 2022, I thought he knew or remembered, pero wala. Zero. Then it made me realize that he does not give importance to those things that are important to me even my family. There I was willing to compromise, understand, move mountains (kung pwede lang) for a guy who won't even move a pebble for me. Ok, mejo small ang pebble but you get the metaphor. Ang dami kong deep sighs. Then months after I decided to end it. I was toxic...well, I guess I was toxic for him. He was pressured at work pero besh, ang kalagot pud nako is kaya niya days without texting me! I keep making excuses for myself na siguro busy siya pero linte...tapos when I was there ng February, same story. Okay, busy ka pero at least sana mag effort ka to show na naappreciate mo gnkadtuan ka sang miga mo. Linte. Tapos when I was there in Negros, I wanted to go to Bais to meet my friends, pero syempre busy si Mark. I wanted to try the new stay in Bais also. So for the sake of me, I went by myself. Tapos if wala pa siya gnpugos sang mga tita niya, dili pa siya mag apas and disclaimer, I paid most of the time. I guess those times make me feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. First few weeks pa lang ga hmbl na ko gusto ko na magpuli but I decided to stay, not for mark, but for his aunties, his family. They were also the decision point for me. I loved Mark's family. I miss them but I can no longer be with Mark. There were also times he kept comparing me to my batchmates...that I should have my own place, car, etc. which I terribly hate. I am a believer of owning one's timeline and he made me feel like shit. And every time we call, he always has problems, it's always his problems...ayaw na daw niya maghunahuna about sa amoa kay mas daghan pa siya gna think. So ako, sige understand lng hantod I made it easy for him and broke up. But actually I asked to get back together, so siya nag oo lng naman. Few weeks later I realized same pa din, then brought up the first break up. He then suggested na sige mas better pa siguro magbulag so that was the end of it. I tried everything from muting notification to ignoring messages pero I guess we broke up na before it was official because it was easy for me to eventually ignore all messages kay when we were in a relationship, okay lng na we don't message each other for days. Fast forward two or three months after, he messaged if naay pa chance magbalik. I said no. If asked again today, I will say NO also. I think our relationship never needed closure. I have sent back his stuff including the ring and necklace...what I need is closure with myself. 

Before being in the relationship, I prayed as I was fully aware that loving one person meaning being vulnerable and giving them the power to hurt you anytime. As a princess warrior, I took that risk and sometimes iniisip ko tani wala na lng. I was independent. I was strong. I was tough...but now, I get fazed easily. Everything JasMark is done and over. It was a season and I have to acknowledge that aside from gratitude, I also feel hurt, pain, regret, and even anger. Trusting time will let me heal.

Now 2023, is a new leaf. A clean slate. Starting off with the best people met and new opportunities. This year is about pursuing that reality and making it concrete from my career, personal life, and thesis! This is the year to be, 2023!