Bais Read

I honestly think that I need a life. I need to get back to my momentum wherein I get to be excited with things and they just land on their places but right now, everything is so messy. From my uncleaned clothes to my schedule to my to-do list. Everything is so wrong.

April 5 and it’s papa’s birthday. Lol. 12:01 of April 6. It’s yerf’s birthday. Anyway, I miss papa and our jokes. I miss being his warrior princess. I miss being pampered. Slowly I get to adjust to my schedule. I have a plant nursery proposal to pass in hours and I am so not satisfied with it yet. Struggle. Struggle. Struggle.

April 6 and how ironic it is. I should be used to being compared since I have a twin but decade have gone and every comparison feels like an arrow crushing my heart. I know I should be happy but sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to. That in every happiness there is an exchange sadness. I feel like I am not allowed to make mistakes that no matter what I do, I will never be enough. FAK LINTE. I was never and am never late and just two minutes because I had to pass by process  and then it’s as if I am worthless. See, people will never see how hard you’ve worked until it benefits them. I just really don’t want to be compared. I know this must as an inspiration but for someone who grew up with so much sibling rivalry, it’s difficult to alter. So sir ken asked me if I was still enjoying or having fun, honestly it declines…my drive declines. I used no to think of how long I will stay but now, I am considering research. I am considering a venue that would cater so much curiosity but a part of me thinks that this is just spur of the moment. That I am just so sad because of hormones and how my two minutes ruined my day. I just don’t find the worth to work anymore. Why bother working hard to the point of battering oneself when someday the company can just leave you. I am dramatic and sometimes exaggerate things but I am very willing to change. I hope someday I get to know why I keep on living. Why I exchange this 360 degrees life? I really hope that I get to see one day the reason why everything has to be like this…complicated. At the end of the day, I remain grateful. Believe in silver linings and continue to pray. J

April 7 and just checked my blog (jaslifeforce.blogspost.com). I can not believe that the last post was about Stephy. I still get sad...A lot but now I keep on moving on. I’m at Robinson’s Dumaguete and I should be studying but I miss this ambiance. I miss the late night coffeehouse playlist and the writings on paper. Time to study.

April 11 and just got the memo to join atsp. One of the things I am completely not prepared for because of the exams. I have always been afraid of exams and the self-entitled pressure. Plus, my cellphone won’t work. It won’t start up and it’s red day day 3. Going back to Voldemort, yes it was fleeting. I was overwhelmed by someone who has experienced same life choices and same city life growing up but other than that, we have a lot of difference even our oprinions on Mercado. Lol. Focus on stp and atsp