PRANA

 Something is wrong with me. I don't have the drive to do things. So I have five requirements left for the sem and I know I can do it. I have limited time but I always end up laying on the bed closing my eyes trying to gunshot myself with my head sometimes. Sometimes I can sleep four hours which is very unusual for me because I can sleep for four hours before and be very okay with it. Now, I need 8-13 hours. This is tiring tbh. I don't know how to deal with this. I just try to go on with life. Hoping each day gets better.  I am tired. I want to go home. I can't :(

 Yesterday, August 21 2020, was our 23rd monthsary. It was not the most ideal monthsary. Mark did not say goodnight the night before then calls me very early in the morning. I know that was just immature of me but I deeply appreciate mark and joked him about it. Still, I was blessed. The day progressed and we seldom sent text messages to each other. I was making myself busy with sleep, doing art stuff, my plants, betta fish, some wastewater readings and ps4. He was busy with what I think was with the manokan and he told me may new kanding siya. Nonetheless, we are used to not being so clingy basta video call late night. He called in facebook. It was all fine until the issue about his eye came up. Mark and I are not good when it comes to health aka the body. I was so frustrated I do not know what's happening. I want him to be okay and I am disappointed I can't do anything about it. Mark is trying his best but it turned out that it seemed like I was reprimanding him. I am an over...

 I want to write to remember. July 2018 We had our refinery outing at oceans 24 at valencia, negros oriental. Mark was a maintenance shift supervisor and our department invited him since he was also the cousin of sir joy (refinery shift supervisor). We have known each other for months already but haven't really talked alone. He was then teased and making moves on jing jing, another cadet who was also my friend. But he already stopped months before. Jing would tell me about him. I once went to a dinner with friends with them which they initiated. It was in hayahay in dumaguete. I would then tell jingjing to give him a chance but nothing happened between them. That was in february.  We also used to have small talks. Like one time (which was after jingjing) he asked me something about Iloilo because there was a girl going to iloilo and he was asking what was nice as a pasalubong. Also, nothing happened with him and the girl.  Moving on, during the oceans 24 refinery outing, ...

 August 11, 2020 Earlier I had one of my episodes. By episode I mean one of those days that I feel so useless and have no motivation whatsoever to go on with life that I preferred to sleep all day.  I have things I could have done but still my emotional and mental health is not cooperating.  With everything that is happening right now, I worry about a lot of things! I am so uneasy that I would find ways to distract myself and end up not doing anything productive. I worry about my family in Iloilo, my love in Negros Oriental and my family and friends. Times are changing so fast that I don't know how to react. I just hope one day I get by. -jas

Lately I have been feeling useless AGAIN. The problem with me is if I am in a supposed to be stable situation I tend to think of other situations that I think were better. For example when I was in ursumco, life was simple. It was okay but I thought of masters. Now here I am in masters and thinking of work. I should be grateful instead. BE GRATEFUL.

My boyfriend, Mark Gil Lim Mahinay, is the sweetest! Last night, I had anxiety. I always had anyway but last night was different. I was scared. Really scared mostly because of the pandemic. I has gassy stomach and thinking a lot of scenarios. I was extremely overthinking. I tried to distract myself with videos and everything I can think of. I drank hot water but still could not sleep. Eventually I did at aroung 3 to 4 am. Then, I had a nightmare. I had been having nightmares lately and I was scared again. Up to now, dear Lord, I am extremely scared. Tears drop as I write this entry. My anxiety is not helping me. I keep distracting myself with videos and whatever. Then bigbig called but before that I sent him a text saying how come he is not always there when I breakdown. I am not blaming him. I know how untimely it is. Then this afternoon he called. He called and played a song One Call Away. Dear Lord, I miss him. I began to cry again. It reminds me of the time when I was in Bais and...

I submitted my second draft for thesis proposal! It's not much of a biggie but at least it's a stepping stone! Finally got the flow but details are lacking. One step at a time. To anyone reading this, remember to EXERCISE. Been doing some dance workouts lately and controlling my food. Finally settled matters with my body. My body loves me and I should love my body. Ever since, my body always sends signals that I can not be extremely fat. I am my unusual self when I am very fat. That is why I danced again. It's fun! Being healthy is being happy! Anyway, with the situation of the world right now, I have been on video chats with friends and family. We have our DAILY rosary video chat at 8pm, bigbig sometimes call/ video chat at night/ midnight, I sometimes video chat the LKM girls if their internet connection cooperates. Of courses, the beaches also video chat especially during Irwin's birthday. College friends video chat too and one time we had a video chat with ma...

I used to be healthy. Very healthy. I can sprint, join marathon, go to the gym, be the young me. But it has been a week since my blood pressure shoot up. I am beyond grateful for the Lord for giving me the chance to be normal again but with this being normal, my anxiety and being overthinker is tested. Sleeping became a challenge for me. I remember in college I was afraid of sleeping because of the dreams I had but now I crave for sleep but whenever I do I can not. I think there are underlying factors like the being at home environment and I honestly miss home so much. I miss home every minute. I just honestly wish I can fly home now. As human beings we always look forward to the "normal" or in science homeostasis, the way the world balances itself. But in order to reach that there are rocky roads. I honestly need a schedule. A schedule I know I can follow and maintain and not the superficial one. Honestly, my master's has a lot of tasks left for me. I also need my glasse...

I have always been the obedient student but just earlier I was reprimanded for being noisy in class. Talking unnecessary stuff to seat mates. I felt disappointed with myself. I don't mean to disrespect. I thought of a research topic and wanted to share it. It was untimely. Now, as a PhD in overthinking, I get to be stagnant. I planned on solving 241 problems and practicing 204 programming. I sent a text to Mark for comfort but he is at work and I feel so sad. I want to go home to Iloilo and go back to the industry. This day has been very bad. I just hope tomorrow gets better. Sigh. Lately, I just feel very disappointed with myself. I keep on thinking "tani wala na lng ko nag resign URSUMCO. Life was so much simpler there. I get to be who I want to be na wala pressure from anyone. Indi ko ni gusto ang materialistic life nga ni." Feel ko mejo naging too ambitious ko for a Master's Degree. Kung ara ko sa URSUMCO dako na na save ko and may emotional and mental stabil...

Back in Manila. Getting the right outlook made me feel a lot better! 2020 means finally accepting that I am not part of URSUMCO and life in the industry is a closed chapter. I am at a new page in my life and I have to appreciate every  opportunity given to me. I have to accept gratefully the conspiracy of the world. It's time to be better. It's time for myself.  No looking back.

This is my first post for year 2020. What a decade it has been! Thankful for everything! I am just hoping this 2020 will be a lot of breakthroughs! Lord, help me with my Masters in Chemical Engineering! Lord, help me with my subjects and my thesis! Lord, help me with my long distance relationship with Mark Gil Mahinay! Yesternight, Mark and I had a petty fight because I wanted to talk more to him but he travelled 24 hours from Iligan to Ayungon and needed some rest. I am beyond grateful for a partner who chose to stay despite my immaturity. The best thing about my love is he is always willing to work things out. Lord, we are far from perfect but still I am blessed. Please help us to be strong this 2020. Team JasMark always. I love you always, Mark Gil Mahinay! Tomorrow I will be leaving again to continue my masters in UP Diliman. I am praying and hoping my brain cells are worthy and can fulfill any tasks but beyond that, this 2020, I pray to be emotionally and mentally stable....