PRANA

Back in Manila. Getting the right outlook made me feel a lot better! 2020 means finally accepting that I am not part of URSUMCO and life in the industry is a closed chapter. I am at a new page in my life and I have to appreciate every  opportunity given to me. I have to accept gratefully the conspiracy of the world. It's time to be better. It's time for myself.  No looking back.

This is my first post for year 2020. What a decade it has been! Thankful for everything! I am just hoping this 2020 will be a lot of breakthroughs! Lord, help me with my Masters in Chemical Engineering! Lord, help me with my subjects and my thesis! Lord, help me with my long distance relationship with Mark Gil Mahinay! Yesternight, Mark and I had a petty fight because I wanted to talk more to him but he travelled 24 hours from Iligan to Ayungon and needed some rest. I am beyond grateful for a partner who chose to stay despite my immaturity. The best thing about my love is he is always willing to work things out. Lord, we are far from perfect but still I am blessed. Please help us to be strong this 2020. Team JasMark always. I love you always, Mark Gil Mahinay! Tomorrow I will be leaving again to continue my masters in UP Diliman. I am praying and hoping my brain cells are worthy and can fulfill any tasks but beyond that, this 2020, I pray to be emotionally and mentally stable....

From the words of Doc M "Engineers are born." I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there. Dear God Almighty, I pray you bless me with great knowldege and strength emotionally moreso mentally to conquer each challenge! Let me not be stubborn and realize that each day is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to bounce back and make bawi! Each day is a gift to be a better stewardess of your creation!!! I love YOU! THANK YOU! Update: 12/15/2019 1. Present/ Speak in a conference about a REVOLUTIONARY PROJECT 2. Be the leader/ head of a REVOLUTIONARY PROJECT 3. SABLAY 2021! 4. Buy/ pet my own English bulldog! 5. Yogini/ healthy living 6. Bali yoga retreat!!! Before I reach 28!

The last four months were gruesome. I had to battle mentally and emotionally. I still continue to do so. I resigned from being an Area Supervisor at URSUMCO. I took a big risk in leaving a lot of people and my life to pursue a dream I was not sure of. THE UNCERTAINTY KEPT ON KILLING ME! Anxiety every night. I only had one mantra: TO SURVIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME! I tried to lessen social media. It makes you compare with other people. I somehow failed. Though I always think that it is not the real life. More than anything I AM GRATEFUL! seven units done for my MASTERS IN CHEMICAL ENGINEERING AT UP DILIMAN! It may seem few for some but for me it is a big deal! Plus I got an UNO in CALCULUS! Thank You Lord! For the past few months I really feel useless. I feel na sayang ako but then again gna think ko na lng na this is a LONG TERM INVESTMENT. One day I will get to achieve! I will get to be on the spotlight! Now that I am home in Iloilo, I realized what was lacking was I did not have a v...

My dream is simple. My dream is to have a stable good-earning job then go to my family. The family Mark and I built. If you ask me years ago, this is not what I wanted but after being alive for more than two decades, I realized all I ever wanted is to be stable. Earn, feel useful, and being worth it to my family. Currently, I am full of anxiety. I am the point where I don't know where I wanted or the opportunities presented are far from what I really want. I am in a place I find very toxic and so are the people. I tend to compare with URSUMCO. Lord, if given a chance without considering anything, I would like to be back. I am scared. I am confused. All I thought was there is this polymer science I was wanting to explore but I tend to deviate. Now, I am questioning is it ever worth it? Lord, I want to go back home.

I remember clearly how I felt saying goodbye to Bigbig at the bus stop. My heart was clearly unready. My heart clearly knew I did not want to go but my brain got me. It was the practical decision but it was not my decisions. I miss bigbig everyday and everyday is getting more difficult for me. I was okay in URSUMCO. I continue to earn and become a ninja though it was not the safest place to be in. It hurt me physically. I got bruises and got dirty but at the end of the day I have friends. I have a family and I get to learn. Each day in Manila, I tend to compare in Ursumco. Right now, I am unsure of what to do and where to go. Taking up master's is not one of the best decisions. Though it is not physically draining, it is mentally and emotionally challenging. Lord, it has been two months since I am crying myself to sleep and waking up questioning my worth. It has been two months since I felt so miserable. I wanted to prove a lot to people by getting this master's degree but it h...

Overthinking a lot lately. I left my job in URSUMCO as Area Supervisor. I left the people I love. I left the place I call home. Currently unemployed and have seven units of masterals in Chemical Engineering in UP Diliman. Masterals which I am unsure if I can finish kay shet so lisod. Now, I am anxious and tired. Being unemployed and holding on an unsure dream is tiring. I am just so unsure of everything and this will take me months to figure out. I can not do much as I keep on missing my life back home and all the what ifs. What if I never left? What if I I get to si Mark everyday? What if I stayed employed? What if I go back? but on the other hand, what if I can do this? what if I finish this and be with mark again? what if I get that scholarship and finish this faster? what if I eventually get a better job?