the fight

I remember clearly how I felt saying goodbye to Bigbig at the bus stop. My heart was clearly unready. My heart clearly knew I did not want to go but my brain got me. It was the practical decision but it was not my decisions. I miss bigbig everyday and everyday is getting more difficult for me. I was okay in URSUMCO. I continue to earn and become a ninja though it was not the safest place to be in. It hurt me physically. I got bruises and got dirty but at the end of the day I have friends. I have a family and I get to learn. Each day in Manila, I tend to compare in Ursumco. Right now, I am unsure of what to do and where to go. Taking up master's is not one of the best decisions. Though it is not physically draining, it is mentally and emotionally challenging. Lord, it has been two months since I am crying myself to sleep and waking up questioning my worth. It has been two months since I felt so miserable. I wanted to prove a lot to people by getting this master's degree but it has cost me my sanity and scared to eventually take my life away.
No matter where I go, bigbig and I will always be in a long distance relationship. Lord, kapoy na ko mag think pero everyday na lng. I honestly can not focus on master's because I lost the reason why I wanted it in the first place. I am thinking of surviving the first sem then go back. I may disappoint a lot of people but I am done disappointing myself. I remember when many did not want me to go to Ursumco but when I said yes to URSUMCO and eventually living on my own, I was proud of myself. I lost myself, dear Lord. I am stuck.