PRANA

URSUMCO has been my life. It has been my world for more than a year. It became the home I never expected. I knew no one. Knew slight bisaya. Knew none of the culture but I met all the best there. I met the best people, my real friends, best boss and sometimes challenging personnel but most of all I met my one true love, the love of my life, Mark Gil L. Mahinay! I can not be thankful enough of URSUMCO. It made me who I am. It made me strong. It made me realize my purpose but all these I could not believe, I let go because of a big very ambitious dream. It still make me cry and regret. I miss URSUMCO so much and this dream...this dream may seem difficult to get. I miss my second home. The moment I saw they're hiring for my previous position, that's when I realized WALA NA. FINISH NA. Still holding on that someday I will return to URSUMCO.  But I am in Manila now. Enrolled as a part-time masteral student. Lord, help me please. Everything still hurts but I do hope this p...

I honestly think that I need a life. I need to get back to my momentum wherein I get to be excited with things and they just land on their places but right now, everything is so messy. From my uncleaned clothes to my schedule to my to-do list. Everything is so wrong. April 5 and it’s papa’s birthday. Lol. 12:01 of April 6. It’s yerf’s birthday. Anyway, I miss papa and our jokes. I miss being his warrior princess. I miss being pampered. Slowly I get to adjust to my schedule. I have a plant nursery proposal to pass in hours and I am so not satisfied with it yet. Struggle. Struggle. Struggle. April 6 and how ironic it is. I should be used to being compared since I have a twin but decade have gone and every comparison feels like an arrow crushing my heart. I know I should be happy but sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to. That in every happiness there is an exchange sadness. I feel like I am not allowed to make mistakes that no matter what I do, I will neve...

I thought our story will be like those of Bart Kwan and his dog or Marley and Me or Hachiko or any dog stories…but ours was very different. Ever since I was in high school, I regarded stephy as a celebrity dog. I would brag a lot about Stephy as if she was a human being even after 12 years. Now that she finally chose to have her longest sleep and probably this is the last time that I can brag so much about her, let me share more of Stephy. 1.        She was a gift. Mama and papa never bought stephy after our first dog, a Japanese spitz went awol. Stephy is still the best gift up to date. We both have a dog and a human-size HUGGABLE teddy bear. 2.        She was very small. She died with 38 inches (not really updated) waistline but she used to be as small as a one liter coke. When she was a pup, we would look for her and she always stayed at the bottom of the fridge. 3.        She thinks ...

I DREADED FOR THIS DAY TO COME! FROM CHILDHOOD TO NOW, THIS IS THE DAY I WAS NEVER PREPARED OF….STEPHY LEAVING. (STEPHANIE “STEPHY” DE LEON; JUNE 05 2005- August 16, 2017) DEATH IS SOMETHING I CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND. STEPHY WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN ANY HUMAN I HAVE MET. SHE WAS MY BESTEST OF THE BESTEST FRIEND, SHE WAS MY CONIFIDANT, SHE WAS MY SISTER. WHEN EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD SEEMED TO TURNED ITS BACK FROM ME, STEPHY WAS THE ONLY WHO STAYED. LIFE GOT ME USED TO BE THE ONE LEAVING, I WAS NEVER PREPARED FOR HER DEPARTURE. SO MUCH MORE THAT I WAS NOT THERE. PROBABLY IT WAS EASIER THAT WAY. OLD AGE AND SHE WAS IN PAIN, IT WAS BETTER FOR HER TO LEAVE NOW THAN SEE ME CRYING AT HER DEATH BED. LIFE WILL BE SO MUCH DIFFERENT WITHOUT STEPHY. I KNEW SHE WAS OLD AND ANY TIME SHE HAD TO LEAVE BUT AT THAT MOMENT…THE MOMENT I HAD TO LEAVE I TOLD HER TO WAIT FOR ME. I WILL COME BACK FOR HER AND HUG HER ONE LAST TIME…BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT HER GOODBYE WILL BE ON THE...

So grateful of July 30, 2017! After being a loser at work, I got the chance to be reunited with my fellow ilonggos from ADI-SMCS! It was a fun reunion! It was headed by sir buen as we also celebrate the farewell of the old campus. We saw nong jb torres and zairre baccay first. The four of us with kuya geof went. Then we saw sir buen. Sir buen mentioned the Go’s were going. At first I was fine with it like the usual reaction. Then we saw them. Oh gosh my secret highschool crush returned! I kennot! All the conversations were quite awkward at first. Then there was a mass. At the end of the mass we saw nong Tyrone. My siblings and I were hesitant to join the bonding after mass because 1. We’re being thrifty 2. We thought it will be very awkward. Somehow things loosened up. Ng jill, kuya Geoff and bro did not go with us but it was fine because I sense a good communication between the one’s left. It ended to be a very fun conversation. We chat while waiting for sir buen. There were awkward ...

"It was the best of times and the worst of times.." A line from a novel of Charles Dickens which I failed to read after the war of the worlds. Anyhow, that line describes my interview with Manila Water Company, Inc. It was the most honest interview I did but it was one-sided. Ugh. I do not want to dwell deeper but know that I did my best! I really did! I am still very hopeful that they get to see the potential in me. I am very anxious. Good Lord, this so far is the most difficult phase and I am asking so much help because it does not seem to get any better! Help me, Dear Lord! Time and time again especially times like this, I get to prove how supportive my family and friends are and how blessed I am to have them but at the end of the day, I always go back to myself and question why...why is there nothing happening? when is that "someday" I have been working hard for? one day. it will come. patience. trust. it will come!

My 110th post... Facebook makes me more depressed more than ever... How awful it is that we are set by notifications and chat messages. It's horrible. What's worse is we are so drawn to it. It's like being in a quicksand. You wanted to go out but always end up stuck because it now has turned out to be a necessity. Look how far we have gone. Very far. Now when do we stop? When do we really stop?