Posts

The Clean Slate

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 2022 has been a year full of learnings. Considering this is my blog, let me break it down for you: 2022 started as the year I will be choosing myself and slowly working on my dreams to come true. I was employed and working my way around my thesis. I was in a relationship. It was still semi-lockdown. First quarter of the year, I was still at the comforts of home then went to Negros for a relationship to work on while being in a WFH set-up. Work was stressful with a job I settled for which is way beyond my background. It was not the best job but it was a humbling experience.  First quarter of the year made me realize what no longer works in my life. And as I moved back to Manila, I still tried to make things work both in my career and love life. I was stagnant throughout those months, all work--no thesis and no applications. I did not join so much workshops as work was very demanding and not rewarding. Came the third quarter of the year, where crucial and life-changing decisions were ma
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Scared but I will be stronger

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 It has been almost four years since I have been in a relationship and one day you'll figure out that those four years will have to come to an end. It will be the same world just a different approach on it.  Honestly, I am tired. I am tired of overthinking and my understanding has come to a limit. I became toxic not just for Mark but for myself.  I am tired of having no definite plans. I am tired of overcompensating. I am tired of ALWAYS understanding. It will be for the best. For now, thesis time and making myself better again.
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Road to Stable life

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 Today is Good Friday. Unlike the previous holy weeks, it was so easy to fast. Fast on food, fast on social media, fast on gadgets but now, it's like a necessity.  I got into thinking and while I watch friends the series, what and where do I really want to see myself.  Life with Mark Gil seems to be blurry for now. Ever since I went to Negros last February, I saw how busy he was and that's what I could ever remember despite the several efforts he did (going to Dumaguete to fetch me, going to Camp Sungayan, going to Bais...) but whatever they were the only conclusion I have is still how busy he was and how his time for me seems to be divided. I still doubt our capacity to take care for each other.  It also got me into thinking if being in CCC is for me long-term. I still want to learn so much about renewable energy, climate change solutions. I sometimes feel I am in great what I do but it is not the field and I feel not enough when I am into per se department of science and tech
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Progress

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 I am beyond thankful that I was chosen to be part of Climate Change Commission kahit contractual lng muna. This is because WFH set-up and I get to have finances while I finish my thesis. I finally had the courage to tell my adviser that I was stuck with thesis. But the thing is I am still scared of doing thesis. With so many files, I don't know where to start again. I desperately need to finish my thesis. I have to finish my thesis. 
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On a loop

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 I feel like my life has been on a loop and it has not been nice. I failed to finish my thesis on time because I focused so much on ClimateScience. I wanted to build a career in the climate space but it feels like I am not given any opportunities to prove myself. I feel like hanggang "volunteer" lng ako. It is very frustrating. My scholarship will end this month and I am currently looking into jobs. My employment life is not the best, heck is it good.  Job hunting years ago destroyed me, my dreams, and my self-esteem.  It's something I do not want to experience again but it feels like I am going back to that void. I want to finish my thesis but anxiety and fear take over me I end up being stuck. Dear Lord, I don't know what to do! I really hope to be of use. Please, help me. 
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 Dear Lord, I am scared. I have been feeling several feels lately I am not sure if it is anxiety or depression but sometimes i just eant to cry because I am feeling heavy but there is no reason i should be. I believe to think otherwise. I believe that I am okay but it seems to be difficult. Dear Lord, I am scared. I do not know how I will be ok. I am too scared to tell other people. I don;t want to bother them with their live. Dear Lord, if anything happens to me please pretty please take care of Mark Gil. We had a serious talk last night and neither of us will be giving up our religion. Either way I am grateful to have him. Please keep him safe and healthy as well as my mama and papa, my siblings, my crazy aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who became family. Lord, I am tired but my time is not up. For Your will be done and I will keep on fighting. -Jas
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the struggle...

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 Dear life, I have not been taking care of you well lately. I used to do an all-nighter skipping meals when I was in ursumco and anxiety got the best of me with my sedentary life and eating unhealthy food. I am no longer what I though I would be. My stamina is weak and so is my spirit. My body shows that. From getting high blood to lately getting bruises anywhere my body but mostly my upper thigh. I am scared but I blame no one.  I wish nothing for my loved ones but good healthy and safety. You know Lord how I fervently pray for that.  One day at a time. Through Your will. Always, Jas
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