PRANA

 I started to realize I have depression or anxiety or whatever you call that the moment I kept on sleeping for hours even a day for several days which happened after I have been crying myself to sleep because of self-questioning my life choices when I started master's but I also believe that it started way back. Probably when I received my first 5.0 grade is ES 13 wherein I studied hard but did not study well. Then came graduation wherein I was unhappy when I was not awarded the leadership award in sotech. Then, the interview with jg summit with some woman who I did not completely get why she cried during the interview. Siya nag interview siya naghibi?! I remember the question was if I like a routinary work or a flexible one. Told her I want a flexible work because I can be impatient tapos things escalated up to this day I don't get her. It was my gateway for a polymer industry. Up to this day I want to prove her wrong. Meet her again hoping she rots in hell. I will destroy her...

 Something is wrong with me. I don't have the drive to do things. So I have five requirements left for the sem and I know I can do it. I have limited time but I always end up laying on the bed closing my eyes trying to gunshot myself with my head sometimes. Sometimes I can sleep four hours which is very unusual for me because I can sleep for four hours before and be very okay with it. Now, I need 8-13 hours. This is tiring tbh. I don't know how to deal with this. I just try to go on with life. Hoping each day gets better.  I am tired. I want to go home. I can't :(

 Yesterday, August 21 2020, was our 23rd monthsary. It was not the most ideal monthsary. Mark did not say goodnight the night before then calls me very early in the morning. I know that was just immature of me but I deeply appreciate mark and joked him about it. Still, I was blessed. The day progressed and we seldom sent text messages to each other. I was making myself busy with sleep, doing art stuff, my plants, betta fish, some wastewater readings and ps4. He was busy with what I think was with the manokan and he told me may new kanding siya. Nonetheless, we are used to not being so clingy basta video call late night. He called in facebook. It was all fine until the issue about his eye came up. Mark and I are not good when it comes to health aka the body. I was so frustrated I do not know what's happening. I want him to be okay and I am disappointed I can't do anything about it. Mark is trying his best but it turned out that it seemed like I was reprimanding him. I am an over...

 I want to write to remember. July 2018 We had our refinery outing at oceans 24 at valencia, negros oriental. Mark was a maintenance shift supervisor and our department invited him since he was also the cousin of sir joy (refinery shift supervisor). We have known each other for months already but haven't really talked alone. He was then teased and making moves on jing jing, another cadet who was also my friend. But he already stopped months before. Jing would tell me about him. I once went to a dinner with friends with them which they initiated. It was in hayahay in dumaguete. I would then tell jingjing to give him a chance but nothing happened between them. That was in february.  We also used to have small talks. Like one time (which was after jingjing) he asked me something about Iloilo because there was a girl going to iloilo and he was asking what was nice as a pasalubong. Also, nothing happened with him and the girl.  Moving on, during the oceans 24 refinery outing, ...

 August 11, 2020 Earlier I had one of my episodes. By episode I mean one of those days that I feel so useless and have no motivation whatsoever to go on with life that I preferred to sleep all day.  I have things I could have done but still my emotional and mental health is not cooperating.  With everything that is happening right now, I worry about a lot of things! I am so uneasy that I would find ways to distract myself and end up not doing anything productive. I worry about my family in Iloilo, my love in Negros Oriental and my family and friends. Times are changing so fast that I don't know how to react. I just hope one day I get by. -jas

Lately I have been feeling useless AGAIN. The problem with me is if I am in a supposed to be stable situation I tend to think of other situations that I think were better. For example when I was in ursumco, life was simple. It was okay but I thought of masters. Now here I am in masters and thinking of work. I should be grateful instead. BE GRATEFUL.

My boyfriend, Mark Gil Lim Mahinay, is the sweetest! Last night, I had anxiety. I always had anyway but last night was different. I was scared. Really scared mostly because of the pandemic. I has gassy stomach and thinking a lot of scenarios. I was extremely overthinking. I tried to distract myself with videos and everything I can think of. I drank hot water but still could not sleep. Eventually I did at aroung 3 to 4 am. Then, I had a nightmare. I had been having nightmares lately and I was scared again. Up to now, dear Lord, I am extremely scared. Tears drop as I write this entry. My anxiety is not helping me. I keep distracting myself with videos and whatever. Then bigbig called but before that I sent him a text saying how come he is not always there when I breakdown. I am not blaming him. I know how untimely it is. Then this afternoon he called. He called and played a song One Call Away. Dear Lord, I miss him. I began to cry again. It reminds me of the time when I was in Bais and...