PRANA

well, less crying now. less overthinking but still... i am still sad. i don't now. All my life i have always been confident about  myself. i can make and deliver speeches impromptu, i can perform any time, i can present anytime, i can challenge myself but this time...this time is the lowest of low that no matter how much i study and how much score i will have in pre test or in pre board, i will not have the same confidence in myself. i do not know when i lost it. probably the time when my "school" forgot about me. because no matter how much i try my efforts will never be mentioned for the ends will never justify the means. i know, being humble means not worrying about mentioning your achievements but it satisfying sometimes to know that people appreciate you. never knew that that simple award could be one of the reasons of my depression. people do not know my story. people will never know this part of my story because somehow, i refuse to show them. i know people have ...

i am HUNGRY. i am SAD. i am a FAILURE.

I always (often) get disheartened. I am trying to do my best but it seems that the gods are not on my favor. I am trying to focus but i sleep. I am trying to have self-control but I snob the alarm. I am trying to study but it seems not effective. Everyday, I study. I doubt if its well. still trying. trying to find that exact orbital for me. Failed the third exam again and the worse part is, bottom ten again! I thought I did well in the exam...just like how i thought in the previous two. I do not know how to adjust no more. I am disappointed with myself. The past days I have already boosted my confidence but after seeing the results for exam 3, I question again. This is just so disheartening. Trying to make a back up plan to ditch reviewing for the exams and go find work. Well, because I want to work abroad. I have signed up for Canada but have't fully read everything. everything is so disheartening. I want to go home :(

I haven’t done much today aside from getting sad because there is no 0.50 pesos worth of photocopy around here. I did however returned to the Legion of Mary! It has been over a year, I think. I used to dislike talking about faith. When I was in grade school it was just something already there without me trying to question or even look deeper. All I knew was I was doing these things (going to mass every first Friday, going to Sunday Mass, read the gospel at home, pray the rosary, confess, read in the church…so many things) because I have to and it was required of me. I did however hated Sunday Masses. I often, around 80% slept during the homily no matter how long or short they were! That was until I was in fifth grade. I grew up from a very Catholic family thus enrolled in a Catholic school. I like my grade school! I like my school. Anyway, when we were young, my siblings and I together with my mom read the gospel every night then I started asking questions. I remember St. Therese as m...

I actually like what I am doing. I have always thought that life is about challenges. As an engineer, I like it. It challenged me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay so much to the point it bends and almost breaks me. Almost. As an engineer I would love to be in the field of research. I love innovation and pop culture. I could stay ‘til midnight (without realizing it) watching videos! It’s very challenging and I usually feel dumb but I should get used to it. I often downgrade myself, thinking that I can never do things that probably the timing is not right but I should always remember that 1. God gave me such situation because He knows I can 2. “There is never a wrong timing, only a wrong mindset.” quote by me. lol. This, I CAN  and this, I WILL. Whatever THIS may be.

Jasmine May G. De Leon July 26, 2016 Earlier at Coffe Bean I heard a group of people (three of them)  mentioning about polymers or at least that’s what I think.  Oh gosh my teeth now hurts from eating chocolates. Bear the pain, Jas!    It has been a while since I blogged. hay okay. so now what. nothing really aside from the fact that I consistently got half of the items correct in every exam, nothing really. I mean, I have never finished the exams! Yes, both of them. I only finish around 30-40% of them which I am sure and the rest were lucky guesses not because I do not know but because I lack time. I need to strategize! I am the type of person who likes to take time so that I can fully understand and learn but I guess it is time to strategize! Sigh. this is stressing me out. I figure if my study area is like the one I have at home where Stephy always accompany me, then probably I could have gotten a higher score. OH WELL again. I can do this. I have no...

College graduation will be far different from my highschool graduation! I still compare Ateneo from UP. When I was a college freshman, I preferred Ateneo but within my college years, I learned to love UP but now that things will about to end, I am moving towards my Jesuit roots. I am thankful for UP for ways it has honed me but I will never be grateful of how much it let me felt so taken for granted by people and by organizations. I am forever blessed and grateful for my ATENEO roots without it, I will not have the character and attitude to deal with the judgments of UP. Tomorrow is graduation and I CAN NOT WAIT TO END EVERYTHING and NOT SEE EVERYBODY! Let's get this done and over with it. Now, I just want to watch a movie, workout, somehow fix my things but I am not excited for graduation. I have no reason to be excited. I just pray to pass the Chemical Engineering Board Exam this November.