PRANA

From the words of Doc M "Engineers are born." I know what I want. I just don't know how to get there. Dear God Almighty, I pray you bless me with great knowldege and strength emotionally moreso mentally to conquer each challenge! Let me not be stubborn and realize that each day is a GREAT OPPORTUNITY to bounce back and make bawi! Each day is a gift to be a better stewardess of your creation!!! I love YOU! THANK YOU! Update: 12/15/2019 1. Present/ Speak in a conference about a REVOLUTIONARY PROJECT 2. Be the leader/ head of a REVOLUTIONARY PROJECT 3. SABLAY 2021! 4. Buy/ pet my own English bulldog! 5. Yogini/ healthy living 6. Bali yoga retreat!!! Before I reach 28!

The last four months were gruesome. I had to battle mentally and emotionally. I still continue to do so. I resigned from being an Area Supervisor at URSUMCO. I took a big risk in leaving a lot of people and my life to pursue a dream I was not sure of. THE UNCERTAINTY KEPT ON KILLING ME! Anxiety every night. I only had one mantra: TO SURVIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME! I tried to lessen social media. It makes you compare with other people. I somehow failed. Though I always think that it is not the real life. More than anything I AM GRATEFUL! seven units done for my MASTERS IN CHEMICAL ENGINEERING AT UP DILIMAN! It may seem few for some but for me it is a big deal! Plus I got an UNO in CALCULUS! Thank You Lord! For the past few months I really feel useless. I feel na sayang ako but then again gna think ko na lng na this is a LONG TERM INVESTMENT. One day I will get to achieve! I will get to be on the spotlight! Now that I am home in Iloilo, I realized what was lacking was I did not have a v...

My dream is simple. My dream is to have a stable good-earning job then go to my family. The family Mark and I built. If you ask me years ago, this is not what I wanted but after being alive for more than two decades, I realized all I ever wanted is to be stable. Earn, feel useful, and being worth it to my family. Currently, I am full of anxiety. I am the point where I don't know where I wanted or the opportunities presented are far from what I really want. I am in a place I find very toxic and so are the people. I tend to compare with URSUMCO. Lord, if given a chance without considering anything, I would like to be back. I am scared. I am confused. All I thought was there is this polymer science I was wanting to explore but I tend to deviate. Now, I am questioning is it ever worth it? Lord, I want to go back home.

I remember clearly how I felt saying goodbye to Bigbig at the bus stop. My heart was clearly unready. My heart clearly knew I did not want to go but my brain got me. It was the practical decision but it was not my decisions. I miss bigbig everyday and everyday is getting more difficult for me. I was okay in URSUMCO. I continue to earn and become a ninja though it was not the safest place to be in. It hurt me physically. I got bruises and got dirty but at the end of the day I have friends. I have a family and I get to learn. Each day in Manila, I tend to compare in Ursumco. Right now, I am unsure of what to do and where to go. Taking up master's is not one of the best decisions. Though it is not physically draining, it is mentally and emotionally challenging. Lord, it has been two months since I am crying myself to sleep and waking up questioning my worth. It has been two months since I felt so miserable. I wanted to prove a lot to people by getting this master's degree but it h...

Overthinking a lot lately. I left my job in URSUMCO as Area Supervisor. I left the people I love. I left the place I call home. Currently unemployed and have seven units of masterals in Chemical Engineering in UP Diliman. Masterals which I am unsure if I can finish kay shet so lisod. Now, I am anxious and tired. Being unemployed and holding on an unsure dream is tiring. I am just so unsure of everything and this will take me months to figure out. I can not do much as I keep on missing my life back home and all the what ifs. What if I never left? What if I I get to si Mark everyday? What if I stayed employed? What if I go back? but on the other hand, what if I can do this? what if I finish this and be with mark again? what if I get that scholarship and finish this faster? what if I eventually get a better job?

Isn't weird? I was never considering being a mother. I had never imagined my life to be with someone...that is until I met my Poloy, my Mark Mahinay. I want to be a mother someday. I want to have family with Poloy. I can imagine having kids of our own. Oh I love to see it one day! Having mini me of mini Poloy then them coming up to us an being carried. Oh I do love to see one day Poloy taking care of our babies and putting them to sleep. Oh Lord, that future excites me. I always want to be beside Poloy. I want to grow old with him. Take care of him and show how much I love him. Now we are far away (long-distance relationship). What comforts me is that 1. I know this is temporary 2. We are both reaching for our dreams 3. Mark is the most supportive partner ever! Dear Lord, I am always blessed because of him! Lord, funny how I remember I go to church and thank You for letting me meet him. I remember nag ask ko Nimo, if kung si Mark man gud para nako. Remember ko na nagsulti ko nimo...

URSUMCO has been my life. It has been my world for more than a year. It became the home I never expected. I knew no one. Knew slight bisaya. Knew none of the culture but I met all the best there. I met the best people, my real friends, best boss and sometimes challenging personnel but most of all I met my one true love, the love of my life, Mark Gil L. Mahinay! I can not be thankful enough of URSUMCO. It made me who I am. It made me strong. It made me realize my purpose but all these I could not believe, I let go because of a big very ambitious dream. It still make me cry and regret. I miss URSUMCO so much and this dream...this dream may seem difficult to get. I miss my second home. The moment I saw they're hiring for my previous position, that's when I realized WALA NA. FINISH NA. Still holding on that someday I will return to URSUMCO.  But I am in Manila now. Enrolled as a part-time masteral student. Lord, help me please. Everything still hurts but I do hope this p...