PRANA

 I feel like my life has been on a loop and it has not been nice. I failed to finish my thesis on time because I focused so much on ClimateScience. I wanted to build a career in the climate space but it feels like I am not given any opportunities to prove myself. I feel like hanggang "volunteer" lng ako. It is very frustrating. My scholarship will end this month and I am currently looking into jobs. My employment life is not the best, heck is it good.  Job hunting years ago destroyed me, my dreams, and my self-esteem.  It's something I do not want to experience again but it feels like I am going back to that void. I want to finish my thesis but anxiety and fear take over me I end up being stuck. Dear Lord, I don't know what to do! I really hope to be of use. Please, help me. 

 Dear Lord, I am scared. I have been feeling several feels lately I am not sure if it is anxiety or depression but sometimes i just eant to cry because I am feeling heavy but there is no reason i should be. I believe to think otherwise. I believe that I am okay but it seems to be difficult. Dear Lord, I am scared. I do not know how I will be ok. I am too scared to tell other people. I don;t want to bother them with their live. Dear Lord, if anything happens to me please pretty please take care of Mark Gil. We had a serious talk last night and neither of us will be giving up our religion. Either way I am grateful to have him. Please keep him safe and healthy as well as my mama and papa, my siblings, my crazy aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who became family. Lord, I am tired but my time is not up. For Your will be done and I will keep on fighting. -Jas

 Dear life, I have not been taking care of you well lately. I used to do an all-nighter skipping meals when I was in ursumco and anxiety got the best of me with my sedentary life and eating unhealthy food. I am no longer what I though I would be. My stamina is weak and so is my spirit. My body shows that. From getting high blood to lately getting bruises anywhere my body but mostly my upper thigh. I am scared but I blame no one.  I wish nothing for my loved ones but good healthy and safety. You know Lord how I fervently pray for that.  One day at a time. Through Your will. Always, Jas

 I started to realize I have depression or anxiety or whatever you call that the moment I kept on sleeping for hours even a day for several days which happened after I have been crying myself to sleep because of self-questioning my life choices when I started master's but I also believe that it started way back. Probably when I received my first 5.0 grade is ES 13 wherein I studied hard but did not study well. Then came graduation wherein I was unhappy when I was not awarded the leadership award in sotech. Then, the interview with jg summit with some woman who I did not completely get why she cried during the interview. Siya nag interview siya naghibi?! I remember the question was if I like a routinary work or a flexible one. Told her I want a flexible work because I can be impatient tapos things escalated up to this day I don't get her. It was my gateway for a polymer industry. Up to this day I want to prove her wrong. Meet her again hoping she rots in hell. I will destroy her