hello, ma joy
hello ma joy.
are you online?
i do not know who to talk to and i'm guessing it will take you days to read this.
plus, i am shy. people do not know this version of me.
i am a bit troubled.
no. i am troubled.
see. ever since i was in high school, i was already looking forward for the on the job training or internship in college. i told myself that a year before internship, i would have great grades throughout the college life giving me a sure company or i would already be looking for a company by that time and i mean international companies or big time companies. both did not happen. did not have high grades. even have a sinco or a failing grade in one subject just a sem before the intern period thus i have to repeat the subject.
i did not fail myself by applying in international companies though and one company replied that i was not what they're looking for. also considering geography. other companies, i forget where to check. see. i guess i was too ambitious but i did not feel that bad because at least i tried. at least, they now that i am interested.
i did my best though.
moving on. still no ojt and no summer class. i turned out to be half the person my past self tried to avoid. i still don't get it.
i want to ojt because i want to have an edge when i graduate. i want to join a company that will help me to be a great teacher. yes. i want to be in the field so that i can be a great teacher. i want to experience it first hand to be a better teacher. the point is, i want to be a master of my course so that i can be a great teacher.
i had a very open opportunity with shemberg in cebu, majoy but i shut it down.
remember the one i just told you about the sinco, well, i thought we will have a summer class for that which i thought would be of conflict with the ojt. my mom and twin sister said that i should get the summer class. turned out, it was not approved so no summer class. no ojt.
though miles away, i know that you know that i do not want to be a ''tambay''.
i strive to be an independent woman in this very competitive world but i guess, sometimes you got to rely on connections.
i tried to rely on connections but it does not work for me. i do not want to be in an environment wherein i know, i made a little twist to be in it. i do not want to have ''utang na loov'' while i strive to be the best me. being the best me means working and exaggerating everything i've got through my own.
once, i figured it would be great time to be in DAVIES paint through papa otep since it would be like reliving lolo tiboy plus i love paint but i also shut down the door as i was accepted by shemberg. urgh. the ripple effect.
recently i tried with mama cel. remember mama cel? she's the wife of nana's brother, papa is.she's also a chemical engineering. she told me to follow up my application then questions me why should i bother with ojt when it not a part of our curriculum.
oh yes, i forgot ma joy. the big problem here is, ojt is not a part of our curriculum and even our dean discouraged us to undergo ojt.
then after mama cel asked me that, i figured. oh yes. ojt's were made because it was part of the school curriculum and later on branched on to be opportunities for experience for a more filled-up resume.
urgh. what bothers me the most is that...experience.
if given a chance, i would pursue master's degree right after i get the board exam but i know that's not highly possible. i have to get a job of my own first and pursue a master's degree using my money or work my ass again to find scholarships and that's why as soon as school starts, i will ask one of my teachers, ma'am carnaje on how she got a scholarship in australia.
yes ma joy. as in very big yes. i would love to go to australia. australia and california are my dream settle places.
urgh. honestly ma joy, i am freakin scared. very very very veeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrry scared. you showed and taught me how to dream. i still can remember how you told us to have a plan in life majoy. remember the ladder drawing wherein if you are here then what happens next then what and the alternatives. i tried that majoy. but i know you will get angry if i tell you i was too ambitious.
my younger self would love to see me now in red carpets asking celebrities. oh yes majoy, even some of my high school acquaintances thought i would be great having my own talk show together with jade. i still want that dream, majoy. hollywood, not the celebrity life but the talk show life because most hosts nowadays forget to listen to their guests.
we're slowly out of the topic. gosh. this is long.
majoy, i don't know where i am in my ladder. i haven't figured it out. but i saw a buzzfeed video that says all of us have not figured it out. i know my younger self is disappointed in me and if you'll tell me to be where i should be truly happy, well i am confused. if being truly happy means foregoing my dreams, then a part of me will be very frustrated. if being truly happy means going by the ladder and achieving those dream, then a part of me will be very sad. i do not want to be frustrated and/or sad.
sigh. i am very troubled.
i do not want to overthink though i think i already am. i am done overthinking. i am quite happy that i am still literally alive now despite the worst sem ever. i do not know if mom told you about that though. haha. still a part of me says i am not living any longer. i do not know why but a part of me wants to live. either way, i am definite now that suicide is never the answer. i do not want to be in the judgement area wherein i will be shown with the possibilities if i did not commit suicide.
though all of these things happen, i am beyond grateful that i have the most supportive parents ever.
i love them and i am forever blessed because i have them. whenever i fail in a subject, it never bothered me that they'll get angry but i will still be sad. sad because i disappointed myself and sad because i know my parents deserve so much better.
i will forever keep on trying but when things seem to be far off, then i have to stop. stop not because i have to quit but stop because i am heading in a different route.
i guess i connected it all now. it's like when i travel i just keep on going until a block mesmerizes me then i go with it. that's when i think i learn in life and not that i have a destination and enjoy every block i go to but because i have blocks, and they are my different destinations.
oh majoy, i am still writer. i love being a writer though not the professional type. my vocabulary still sucks.
oh majoy, the future is scary. i still haven't figured it out yet. i am still troubled.
but i will probably enjoy the now.
i do not even know if i will be sending you this.
P.S. I miss my cousins a lot and their bear hugs.
are you online?
i do not know who to talk to and i'm guessing it will take you days to read this.
plus, i am shy. people do not know this version of me.
i am a bit troubled.
no. i am troubled.
see. ever since i was in high school, i was already looking forward for the on the job training or internship in college. i told myself that a year before internship, i would have great grades throughout the college life giving me a sure company or i would already be looking for a company by that time and i mean international companies or big time companies. both did not happen. did not have high grades. even have a sinco or a failing grade in one subject just a sem before the intern period thus i have to repeat the subject.
i did not fail myself by applying in international companies though and one company replied that i was not what they're looking for. also considering geography. other companies, i forget where to check. see. i guess i was too ambitious but i did not feel that bad because at least i tried. at least, they now that i am interested.
i did my best though.
moving on. still no ojt and no summer class. i turned out to be half the person my past self tried to avoid. i still don't get it.
i want to ojt because i want to have an edge when i graduate. i want to join a company that will help me to be a great teacher. yes. i want to be in the field so that i can be a great teacher. i want to experience it first hand to be a better teacher. the point is, i want to be a master of my course so that i can be a great teacher.
i had a very open opportunity with shemberg in cebu, majoy but i shut it down.
remember the one i just told you about the sinco, well, i thought we will have a summer class for that which i thought would be of conflict with the ojt. my mom and twin sister said that i should get the summer class. turned out, it was not approved so no summer class. no ojt.
though miles away, i know that you know that i do not want to be a ''tambay''.
i strive to be an independent woman in this very competitive world but i guess, sometimes you got to rely on connections.
i tried to rely on connections but it does not work for me. i do not want to be in an environment wherein i know, i made a little twist to be in it. i do not want to have ''utang na loov'' while i strive to be the best me. being the best me means working and exaggerating everything i've got through my own.
once, i figured it would be great time to be in DAVIES paint through papa otep since it would be like reliving lolo tiboy plus i love paint but i also shut down the door as i was accepted by shemberg. urgh. the ripple effect.
recently i tried with mama cel. remember mama cel? she's the wife of nana's brother, papa is.she's also a chemical engineering. she told me to follow up my application then questions me why should i bother with ojt when it not a part of our curriculum.
oh yes, i forgot ma joy. the big problem here is, ojt is not a part of our curriculum and even our dean discouraged us to undergo ojt.
then after mama cel asked me that, i figured. oh yes. ojt's were made because it was part of the school curriculum and later on branched on to be opportunities for experience for a more filled-up resume.
urgh. what bothers me the most is that...experience.
if given a chance, i would pursue master's degree right after i get the board exam but i know that's not highly possible. i have to get a job of my own first and pursue a master's degree using my money or work my ass again to find scholarships and that's why as soon as school starts, i will ask one of my teachers, ma'am carnaje on how she got a scholarship in australia.
yes ma joy. as in very big yes. i would love to go to australia. australia and california are my dream settle places.
urgh. honestly ma joy, i am freakin scared. very very very veeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrry scared. you showed and taught me how to dream. i still can remember how you told us to have a plan in life majoy. remember the ladder drawing wherein if you are here then what happens next then what and the alternatives. i tried that majoy. but i know you will get angry if i tell you i was too ambitious.
my younger self would love to see me now in red carpets asking celebrities. oh yes majoy, even some of my high school acquaintances thought i would be great having my own talk show together with jade. i still want that dream, majoy. hollywood, not the celebrity life but the talk show life because most hosts nowadays forget to listen to their guests.
we're slowly out of the topic. gosh. this is long.
majoy, i don't know where i am in my ladder. i haven't figured it out. but i saw a buzzfeed video that says all of us have not figured it out. i know my younger self is disappointed in me and if you'll tell me to be where i should be truly happy, well i am confused. if being truly happy means foregoing my dreams, then a part of me will be very frustrated. if being truly happy means going by the ladder and achieving those dream, then a part of me will be very sad. i do not want to be frustrated and/or sad.
sigh. i am very troubled.
i do not want to overthink though i think i already am. i am done overthinking. i am quite happy that i am still literally alive now despite the worst sem ever. i do not know if mom told you about that though. haha. still a part of me says i am not living any longer. i do not know why but a part of me wants to live. either way, i am definite now that suicide is never the answer. i do not want to be in the judgement area wherein i will be shown with the possibilities if i did not commit suicide.
though all of these things happen, i am beyond grateful that i have the most supportive parents ever.
i love them and i am forever blessed because i have them. whenever i fail in a subject, it never bothered me that they'll get angry but i will still be sad. sad because i disappointed myself and sad because i know my parents deserve so much better.
i will forever keep on trying but when things seem to be far off, then i have to stop. stop not because i have to quit but stop because i am heading in a different route.
i guess i connected it all now. it's like when i travel i just keep on going until a block mesmerizes me then i go with it. that's when i think i learn in life and not that i have a destination and enjoy every block i go to but because i have blocks, and they are my different destinations.
oh majoy, i am still writer. i love being a writer though not the professional type. my vocabulary still sucks.
oh majoy, the future is scary. i still haven't figured it out yet. i am still troubled.
but i will probably enjoy the now.
i do not even know if i will be sending you this.
P.S. I miss my cousins a lot and their bear hugs.
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