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Expect this to be a long post simply because I’m too lazy for shit school but don’t get me wrong though, I like my school! I never had such real fun compared to high school and I quote a schoolmate of mine “whoever said high school’s fun probably hasn't passed the UPCAT!”

I want to talk about a lot of things liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike how creative I am with my DIYs (click here) and why I don’t sell them, or how good a writer I can be whenever I am inspired in the bus, or how proud I am because I finished reading a book in a day, or how awesome I find myself having a 10am class and 10am volleyball game and still managed to do both, or how much of a youtube fan I am, or how many times  youtube stars have favorite, retweeted, replied and DMed me in twitter, or how shitty  the internet connection is now because there is none, how busy my life is now from being an upperclassmen to debate society to finance officer looking for sponsors (part of the student council) to being a writer for our school paper , to being student, to being a daughter, to being a sister, to being a friend, to being a youtube superstar in the making, to being the very INDECISIVE, MIXED UP ME!

YES...I AM MIXED UP...Better yet I am UNPLANNED! I used to think, “I know who I want to be, I just don’t know how to get there.” Which brings to the whole point, I do not even know who I am anymore! And there’s more to the problem! I seem not to find anyone to talk to about this! My psych professor told us that there’s a VERY THIN LINE between insanity and sanity and I think I am at the balcony of the two. I know there are a lot of good-heart people who would like to listen to me but I seem to find consequences in a lot of them...I mean, yes there is the guidance counselor but I don’t want to talk to someone who will make me feel more stupid or more indecisive or whatever, l just am not sure of her reaction when I will say things..A lot…i just don’t want them to listen to me just because they’ll get paid for it.. Next, I know I have teachers/professors who became my closest friends and i like that because they seem to have authority  and experience because at the end of the day, they’re still human beings but the thing is that’s it.. they’re human beings. they have problems of their own and I don’t want to bug them no matter how much they would think it’s all right.nothing is all right. Next,my friends,yes I love them and the feeling is mutual but I think we’re just in the same page (same age, same experiences). in this situation I doubt that negative times negative is positive! Then, my parents/ family, they’re the last ones I want to talk to. I’m never that too open to them because they might get too mushy and just  make me cry and I know one day I have to leave and live in my own.I want to be independent. That’s the bottom line: I concentrate too much on practicing independence that I no longer know who I am. I don’t want to be INDEPENDENT too much.All I am saying is,it takes a looooooooooooooot of time finding yourself without the judgement of others! I CRIED and CRY simply because the society has been expecting TOO MUCH OF ME! I also cry because despite everything, I know there is SOMEONE who loves me beynd words and love me so dearly,who loves m so so so so much: GOD!

 These past weeks, even months,I was thinking of death,of how things would be or how chaotic it would be if I die or of how I cannot meet WESLEY CHAN!<///3

THE THINGS I WANT RIGHT KNOW ARE AWKWARD ANIMALS AND A NICE GUY SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL I WANT IS TIME! 

This is why I write.This is why I blog. I know it seems to be an online journal but I see no harm in it. I know some or am I just assuming people would read this but the point is,I have an OUTLET..SOMEHOW just SOMEHOW! See,when I write (free-writing) I feel like a pro,  like it’s the best I can be and I don’t tend to think if people who are better than me. It makes me feel like I’m a philosopher like I got to say on somethings! I love free-writing! For almost half..since kinder I guess, since mom required us to write letters to our aunts in the states,I loved writing already and when I was ten, I had workshops until i was 16 and I know I am not near to perfection nor to the best of a writer but I don’t mind since somehow some way I know I have entertained people and myself and that’s all that matters. I find true happiness in it well that is if I’m inspired!hahaha

I've been saying lately that I don’t want to be chemical engineer. I liked it because it’s challenging but I have underestimated the challenge! I am not saying I can't take it. Trust me, I have been fighting. All I am saying is,the challenge is  not for me but I’m giving it more time . I still believe that change is inevitable!

Right now, with all the fiasco,I can stills say that I am contented but there is only one thing that I ask..a PATH.a true path to real and true happiness! I have been masochistic through my feelings and I no longer don’t know what to do but LIFE GOES ON! the only thing I can do is to hang on a thread of life until some hope catches me! I am a MESS and it’s not beautiful. I am giving myself a second chance. A second chance to really see what’s i n me.I am just so DOWN right now to the point all tears have dried up. I don't even think of going back to a certain age. I just feel like curling up,get a gun and point it on my stomach. i am not sure of the trigger though but now, SUICIDE is the least I am thinking about. Life is so precious and I have always thought that I am one of those who can change the world, who would leave a legacy.I am some how quite ambitious even now,thinking to sleep at 2 am and leaving at around 6 am for miami later. Oh dear life, This has been so far the MOST OF THE MOST OF THE MOST challenging part of my life! I am in question with everything around me but I know GOD HAS A WAY BETTER PLAN FOR ME. I just have to wait. Some answers come when you least try to look for it. I BELIEVE!

This  the time wherein I wished my problem was a broken-heart.