PRANA

In this lifetime, I only have one selfish goal: TO TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS! When I say travel, I mean backpack! I must do that before I reach 40 but before that I have TO EXPLORE PHILIPPINES before I reach 30. That will be all.

Hello dear blog! When will I ever accept that not everybody can understand? When will I ever accept that I can not please everybody? I still have social issues. Anyway, I blame myself for being misunderstood. I don't blame people. It's my fault why I am an indecisive messed up bad person. It's okay. It will be okay. I am sorry blog for using you only when I am extremely depressed. Last night was the worst but glad I have Jearie and achi to tell the whole story and save my sanity. I am a bad person and will continue to be one. My self-esteem has gone below six feet. I should stop being an over thinker. I hope one day I get to find that cheery old me again. I hope but for now...... I am glad I am still alive.

i terribly want to cry right now. papa left now did mama. i try to be the most useful daughter but everything i do seems so wrong. i terribly want to cry because it has been months since I have been looking for someone to talk to. gad do i want to cry. thank you dear blog for being always there. i know i will die anytime soon and gad I wish it is later or tomorrow. Gad I want to die. if only suicide will not bring me to hell. Dear Lord, when will I ever be okay? i am so fucked up. I am a bad person. I do not deserve to live.

i hate it when my friends get hurt especially the close ones. i have issues gad i have anxiety. i am a mess but i will i everything to protect my friends i love them to death and seeing them hurt even just online makes me so cold. i have always believed that they are my angels. i do not like it when they cry. i remember hearing lara cry over the phone before and gad i was close to booking a flight. i remember nat being admitted in the hospital and gad i prayed he was fine. i do not exactly know how to comfort people but when it comes to my friends, you sure must be worth a slap. now, i pray for my friends. i may be dysfunctional right now but i pray they won't be like me.

I told myself that I am done but keep on doing things. Gad, I still have one letter and attendance sheets for student council. Gad, I still have plant design material balance Gad, I still have exams and homeworks Gad. Gad. Gad. I am beyond sad. Do you know the feeling everyday you wake up just waiting for the day to end?! Motivation is no where and sel-esteem has completely evaporated. If you ask me, if ever things will some how be better, I will no longer review in CEBU. It is straight to MANILA now and guess what, I got another job offer...in SALES...more likely a youth sales job offer but Gad, I do not like sales honestly. I like talking to people but I also have find sales people annoying. I do not know what it is in me that keeps attracting sales. I just do not want to. I have reasons why I chose MANILA most of which, makes me feel so stupid. Anxiety disorder is in our family. A family of overthinkers but I have always believed that I am the outlier. They have succeeded...

I do no get it. I will never get it. Failed to be on hiatus. Failed to be the non-millenial me. Failed myself. I am tired. I want to be done. I will never be worth it. I will never be deserving.